The Anatomy of a Soul Mate..

Okay everyone... this post is extremely difficult for me to write, but I feel it is absolutely necessary so rumors can be put to rest and I can move forward peacefully in my life. This is the story of what happened with my husband and how I came to be with Alex.

I met Alex when I was just 17 years old. I had started a new job after moving to Salt Lake at Hogle Zoo. I was just about to start my senior year at a completely new high school and I was terrified. My mom and I searched the newspaper for a job where I could meet people my age and start a new social circle. Alex, who was in Human Resources, did my orientation for my new position. He led my sexual harrassment and customer service training. I remember sitting in the front row and thinking, "Wow, he is pretty cute... he must be married and have kids. I bet he reads the newspaper every morning while drinking coffee." Lol, I know, random.. and it turned out to be completely FALSE. Alex was not married, no kids and hates coffee. But I thought this because Alex was 27 at the time. Yes, 10 years older than me.

(One of my senior pics... dang I used to be so skinny!)

After orientation I met a really sweet girl named Jessie, and we decided to choose our work crushes. (I know, stupid.. but hey I was a teenager). She picked a super cool guy.. like the ones that pop their collars and put a gallon of gel in their hair. I picked Alex. We used to kind of work "stalk" them if you will. Again, I know how lame that sounds.

Then I started high school. I was very shy and met very few people. I decided not to be in the yearbook and spent all my time studying. I graduated with a bunch of college credit and a 4.0 GPA. But in March, I met an amazing someone named Casey Walker. It was a blind date set up by Brandie Parker for the Spring Fling dance. I remember when I met Casey, he completely ignored me. I remember being pissed because I had never just been blown off all the time by a guy. Yet, he continued to call and call and somehow we ended up in a relationship. In October 2007, just 5 months after graduating I became pregnant. We were young and terrified. In January we found out we were having twins and then went through a premature delivery, death of a child, etc. (That is another story I will tell later.) We leaned on each other and became each other's strength. We were inseparable, amazing and so dependant on each other.

(My first famiily pic when Jocelyn finally came home from the NICU)

While I was pregnant, I was placed on bedrest, Casey proposed. It was so sweet and heartfelt. I went into labor that very night.. Valentine's Day. We planned a wedding for May 2009. I loved planning the wedding. I had my best friend Josh to help with everything. He was so great. As the day grew closer.. I remember getting so nervous for some reason. I was sick to my stomach and depressed. I asked Casey to postpone the wedding but we had already sent out the invites. I asked my mom for help, but that did nothing. She said the same thing.. the invites are out.. the wedding is going to happen.

(Despite some sadness, Jocelyn was my light. So beautiful!)

(Barely after Joce Bear came home. Wow.. I was so blonde.. lol)

On May 9, 2009 we got "married". While waiting to walk down the aisle, I started hyperventilating. I didn't understand it. I loved Casey, he was amazing, we had a family and had been together for 2 years. But it didn't feel right. I proceeded through the wedding but refused to sign the marriage certificate. That is right, we never were actually "married". I am sorry to admit this to everyone because it is extremely difficult.

(This is me and my older sister.. I actually have like NO pics from the wedding anymore..)

We did go on a honeymoon trip to California, and when we got back, things just fell apart. I was depressed all the time. I moped at work and people noticed. Alex, who hardly ever said anything to me, noticed. By this time he was actually my manager. This is when all the rumors started. Me and Alex started talking and bonded SOOOO fast. I couldn't believe it. When he FINALLY started talking to me, we were like twin souls. We started out as friends, and then I realized I loved him. I had loved him from afar for 3 years already and he finally felt the same.

(This is actually on my "honeymoon" at the Winchester Mansion in CA)

OKAY WOO... SO THIS IS WHEN THE HORRIBLENESS STARTED. I had to make a decision. Should I continue to work on a real marriage to Casey or move on. I was sick for over 6 months debating.. and the feelings I had for Casey lasted for an additional 2 years. I loved him, so much. He was my first love and my best friend. He is such an amazing guy and I am so thankful he is in my life. But somehow I was drawn to Alex. We were just so incredibly connected, it was mesmerizing.

The breakup was HORRIBLE. I couldn't find a perfect reason for why it all fell apart. Casey is an incredible person and the love I felt was real. I have finally realized that everything fell apart when we lost our son. The strain of such tragedy and the stress of a preemie baby sent me into a tailspin. Casey did too. He spent a lot of time with his friends drinking to cure his pain, while I sat at home and cried in bed. He wasn't there for me like I needed. But honestly, who can blame him? He was in SO much pain and so young, he cannot be blamed for trying to fix his own pain. But, this pain just caused a rift between us, and we were never the same.

(He really is an amazing father.)

I admit, I started dating Alex incredibly soon after my marriage fell apart. People at work began to ostricize me. I was alone and eventually lost my job because of it. The rumors flew that I was a whore and a cheater. For the record, I NEVER CHEATED ON CASEY. REPEAT, I NEVER CHEATED ON CASEY. He will say different but it is a rumor and completely false.

So what makes Alex so special? He is my own knight. I had watched him in admiration for 3 years and always dreamed about him. I practiced spelling my name with his last name in private, lol. He is so caring and kind and supportive. I went through an equally tragic time when I was diagnosed with MS, Major Depressive Disorder and Extremely Generalized Anxiety. But, instead of going out with friends like Casey, he stayed by my side through everything. He dealt with my mood swings and rages and crying fits and never left. That is what I needed and still do.

He is so smart and determined. He has helped me through school work and can debate with me on current world issues. I had never had this before. It is so amazing. He is so respectful and honestly tells me I am beautiful EVERY SINGLE DAY. He has done this now for 3 years, never missing a day!

People have made horrible remarks to me. They say I am disgusting for dating someone 10 years my senior. They have called Alex a cradle robber. They have said I got with my manager to get special treatment at work. THESE ARE ALL FALSE. Age is just a number and a measure of wisdom to me. I matured early by becoming a young mother and I relate more to him than men my own age. Alex is not a cradle robber, when we started dating I was 20 years old. He NEVER hit on me, made advances or anything when I was a minor or with any of my boyfriends. He is extremely respectful. I never wanted to get special treatment at work and I didn't. I dated Alex because he was my soul mate, not to advance my career standing.

Sooo... now that you know the story, please put to rest any rumors about us. We are happy and stable. He is the best person I have ever met and I will NEVER find someone as amazing as he is. We are so in love and have a bright future ahead. Please support us in this and try to understand the dynamics of our special relationship. Thanks.

I hate Detroit...

So in the midst of all the craziness that ensued last week, I am sure there are many of you that were confused by my Facebook status and the status' of loved ones around me. I figured I would share the story.... definitely one for the books!

So on Tuesday I said a very tearful goodbye to my big sister Emma and boarded a plane from Virginia, headed to my layover in Detroit, MI. When I got to my gate they were explaining that they had scheduled two planes to leave from the same terminals just 9 minutes apart in time.. ugh.. so both flights were going to be delayed about 25 minutes. I sat down and looked at my flight itinerary and realized I only had a 35 minute layover in Detroit! That meant I would have like less than 10 minutes to get off one plane and on another. I knew it was bad news bears....

Of course when we landed I RAN for my next gate. I have MS, running is not my friend. So, I was nearly dead by the time I got to the gate and lo and behold, it was shut and the plane was leaving. I missed it. Boo. I explained the situation to the reservation lady and she was actually really nice, all things considered. She told me that the next flight would be tomorrow morning (Yuck) but that they would pay for my hotel room at the Sheraton, pay for my meals and she even bumped me to first class on the next flight.

But then I turned around and it donned on me. I am stranded. Alone. In Detroit. OH GOD. I started having a panic attack. I walked to the hotel shuttles and waited forEVER for the Sheraton passenger van. By the time I got checked in and up to my room, I started to calm down a bit. The room was really pretty (although kind of wasted on just me). The bed was fabulous as I seriously considered jacking one of the pillows.... (I didn't know that Utah girl was pregnant when she checked in last night? lol)

I went downstairs to the restaurant for dinner. They hooked me up with 15 bucks for dinner and 6 bucks for breakfast. But, I don't eat breakfast so I used it all on dinner. Heck yes! I even brought up a piece of Key Lime Pie for my midnight sugar craving ;). I watched some TV, ate my pie and was out like a light by 9:00PM................ and then....................

I woke up at 6:00. My flight didn't leave until 12:30 but my stomach was hurting and I couldn't get back to sleep. I dozed for about an hour when the pain escalated to a point I couldn't move. I layed there for an hour longer but nothing helped. I couldn't get up or anything. I was getting so nauseas and was shaking uncontrollably from sheer, horrific pain. Eventually I called Alex and told him I thought I needed to call 911 and told him I would get back to him when I got to the hospital. I called EMS and within 20 minutes I was admitted to Oakwood-Annapolis Hospital in Detroit.

Their emergency rooms didn't have "rooms" just curtains separating patients so you definitely get all up in everyone's business. After they had sufficiently pumped me with morphine and I was in my happy place, I started listening in on the other people. (Hey I needed SOMETHING to keep me entertained, I was there all alone!) The guy next to me had been mugged and robbed. Three breaks to the jaw, one broken rib, and a huge concussion. I was reminded of how desperately I wanted out of THIS city. I hate you Detroit.

The old woman next to me had stomach pain too, but from taking too many stool softeners. Gross. But I had to laugh a little although I felt bad because she just kept WAILING "And they will suffer, and they will suffer, and they will suffer, ah help me Jesus, help me Jesus"

To which the guy on my left responded "I want some "Dillaudee" It is pronounced DIL-AU-DID. But he started his own chant of "I want some dillaudee, get me some dillaudeeee" lol. (It is a pain killer like morphine)

The lady in front of me had a simple rash from her laundry detergent and was BEGGING the doctors for a morphine shot for the pain. Seriously lady? lol.. no wonder doctors think we are all just after the pain meds when we go to the ER. Had to laugh..

Eventually I had an ultrasound and they found Gallstones. Bad ones. And absolutely TONS. They debated on whether to do the surgery in Michigan or whether to try and get me back to Utah for care. But ultimately they were scary enough they decided to operate. So there I was.. stuck in a hospital I don't know, in a state I am not from, mid way between family on the east and west. I was miserable.

While waiting for anesthesia, they wheeled a woman in from surgery to recoop. After about 3 minutes she SHOT up and screamed "WHERE AM I, WHO ARE YOU, WHO AM I?" And then laid back down. LOL. The nurses all ran over to help her calm down and I think she figured it out because there were no more outbursts :)

So I had the surgery. Don't remember much of it. I am told it went well. I have horrible reactions to anesthesia so I was on Demerol and super intense pain killers and nausea pills. I don't remember anything until the next afternoon.

My MS has yet to become a HUGE problem for me.. however it definitely was humbling to see that the effects of this disease are already impacting other health capacities... the next day I could not urinate. This is frequent after surgery but it lasted for a full 2 days. Endless catheters sucked butt, I am not gonna lie. My bladder just did not want to wake up and function to save my life! No pills would be effective because my bladder is deficient for MS.

Another MS issue we ran into was just that my tolerance for pain has diminished. I was in a lot more pain than I should have been and they didn't want me to go home because it was so bad but I was determined to get out of there! Thankfully, they were very liberal with the morphine and I was at least quite chipper the whole stay haha. I definitely bonded with all the nurses and staff. They were some amazing people.

OH! And the COOLEST thing happened. I was in my room when this really pretty black lady walked into my room and asked me how I was I doing. I said I was in pain and without saying a single word she put her hand on mine and starting saying a prayer for me. And it was one of those AWESOME black lady prayers I always wanted to be around and I got one just for me!! She sang me a hymn and I swear I felt better. I tell you what, no one prays with as much convinction as that lady! Best experience of the whole trip. To that lady--- it was lifechanging. Thank you!

On Thursday I was released after my mom and Alex arrived from Utah to help me get back home. We ended up staying until Saturday to give me a little time to recover before attempting airports. Saturday came and we made the trek. It was horrible. I am not going to lie. Like literally horrific. Walking that far was killing me, and so we would get me pushed in a wheelchair but that was always awkward! It seemed like I got all the crazy airport employees that have mastered pushing a wheelchair around at 25 mph, bumps or no bumps. I felt like I was on some horrible rollercoaster lol.

But alas, I did make it home and I was so happy to be there. I have never been so happy to see our super brown, hardly green mountains and smell that nasty stank from the Great Salt Lake. I hadn't seen my babies in a week and a half and they punished me for that. They are just now starting to forgive me...

Even though I am in recovery I am just so excited to be able to do anything but lay in bed! I have been pushing myself pretty hard to get housework and cooking done and playing with my kids. I think I have a newfound belief that if something bad CAN happen, it WILL. But also that GOOD lessons and knowledge come out of BAD experiences!