Another son is born!

So I realize that I haven't blogged since December. Talk about procrastination, right? Or perhaps its laziness? Those two kinda go hand in hand, right? And they are skills that I am WELL versed in. Anyways.. where were we?

So on my last entry I was about 12 weeks pregnant. I was ecstatic. I hadn't had much morning sickness, my MS symptoms had gone into remission and my energy levels were great. I went through serious nesting. I decided around Christmas that my entire house needed to be scrubbed, organized and decluttered. I considered the possibility of just lighting everything on fire and starting completely over. Luckily, my rational mind changed my hormonal mind's mind. (Trust me, somewhere in my head that sentence made sense. LOL). So I set out to organize everything. We got a storage shed and I proceed to move every bit of clutter out of my house. It felt amazing. I tried to get Alex to get rid of the CD player that is sitting in my entertainment center. He hasn't used it but 3 or so times in the 4 years that we have been together. And it is ugly. Very ugly. But I failed and that damn ugly thing is still on top of the entertainment center. *Sigh* I guess we have to choose our battles.

On the morning of our ultrasound, I was so nervous. I just KNEW this baby was a girl. My pregnancy had been so different from Gabe's. I was positive--void of even my normal amount of depression. My skin was fantastic, I craved OJ like nobody's business. I just SWORE it was a girl. Well I was wrong. And I was crushed. I wanted a girl so badly. My whole family did. My Joce Bear is the only girl grandchild on our side of the family. And now there going to be 6 boys. My first text was to my mother. It simply said, "He has a penis." 'Nough said. I went home to sulk.

My gender disappointment dominated the majority of my pregnancy. I am ashamed to admit that. Every time we went to look at baby stuff, I was drawn to the pink and purple and lace.  I hated looking at boy stuff. But eventually the disappointment gave way to genuine excitement again. As I felt more movement, I developed a special bond with this little guy and couldn't wait to meet him. We had an especially hard time deciding on a name. I eventually gave the reigns over to Alex since I named Gabriel. He chose the name Grayson. Originally we had picked Grayson Avery, but Alex's grandfather passed away on Thanksgiving. We changed the name to Grayson Robert in his memory.

On Saturday, May 25th. My older sister, who I only see once per year was in town from Virginia for a last visit with the family because she is due to give birth to her first child in September. She had a baby shower Saturday morning. I woke up that morning and was really crampy and had A LOT more pressure. I was really hoping that Grayson would make his arrival while she was here because she has never been able to be with me for the birth of any of my children. We joked the whole shower on ways to get him to come out, but I already knew none of it was going to work! I had already tried sex, spicy foods every night, pineapple, walking, cleaning, EVERYTHING. I was convinced he was going to stay put until my scheduled C-section on Sunday, June 2nd. I had sulked about it all week because I knew Emily was going to miss meeting him by 6 days. 

Monday, the 27th, was my 24th birthday. I woke up unusually tired. I used it being my birthday to ask to sleep in, and Alex agreed. When I finally pulled myself out of bed, the pressure I felt was horrible. I had to go to the bathroom immediately and I was hoping so much to see some sign of labor... I knew at this point I had 24 hours with my sister still in town. But, to my dismay, there was NOTHING. I had very few labor signs. I was praying for diarrhea even, LOL. Anything to signal that labor was coming. 

Since I slept in, Alex suggested we go out to lunch before heading to my moms for the evening to celebrate my birthday. We went to a nearby sandwich place and I was so excited because I was absolutely starving. We got our food and I made it through about half of my sandwich when INSTANTLY I felt like I had to vomit. It was the strangest thing. I wasn't really even that nauseated. Half joking, half angry, I proclaimed that I just KNEW he was going to come right after Emily's plane left and in the middle of the work week. We had dinner for my birthday and chocolate cake. My sweet Jocelyn INSISTED that everyone sing to me, with candles and that I make a wish. I made a wish that Grayson would arrive in time for Emily to see him. I knew that was a long shot.

The rest of the evening, I had a horrible backache. I was having contractions, but nothing on a pattern. By 10:00 at night, I was tearing up from the pain in the back. I cried to Alex that I didn't know how I was going to get through another day feeling so much back pain and pressure. I didn't want him to go to work, I just started bawling. My mom told me to go to L&D just to get something for my back pain so I could at least sleep. We made our way in, leaving the kids with my mom. 
When I got hooked up to the monitors, I was actually contracting every 2-3 minutes, lasting 60 seconds! I just couldn't really tell because the horrific back pain. They called my doctor and he was about 75 miles away, driving home from vacation for Memorial Day. They made the decision to go for c-section, but it would be with the on-call doctor. I was really upset. But he seemed friendly enough and I was just so excited my baby was coming. By the time we got into the ER it was officially the 28th and Grayson wouldn't have to share my birthday. I was really happy that he had picked his own, special day. 

The c-section went well. I didn't have any problems with the spinal and Grayson came through it like a champ. He cried right away. He weighed in at 6 lb 12.5oz and 21 inches long. They checked my scar tissue and told me I was absolutely good for another child someday, if I wanted. 

After the surgery, I was wheeled back to recovery. They immediately brought Grayson to me for some skin to skin kangaroo care and to try and nurse. We had some difficulties getting him to latch, but once he did he was there for over 40 minutes! It was the most defining moment in my motherhood career so far. An experience I never thought I would have and I cried. It was amazing. 
And the best part---my sister got to see him for an hour this morning before her plane left back home. Grayson finally listened and I was ECSTATIC.

I am so in love with my little man. I cannot believe I ever was disappointed he wasn't a girl! I am not sure he completes our family yet, but I know that at this moment in time he completes my heart and my life! 

Now for pictures. Because lets be honest, that is the best part. 



Ultrasounds




Newly born



I have no shame. Breastfeeding is a beautiful thing!!



We chose to cloth-diaper our new wee one. Here is his very first "fluff bum" shot




Newborn shoot



Welcome to the world little man!

I'm Pregnant!

Sorry for the super long time frame between posts! It has been pretty hectic in our little life. In October, I found out I am pregnant again! We had been "Not trying, not preventing" for about 6 months prior to this, but it was still pretty unexpected! So for all of those that actually like reading pregnancy updates and stories, I shall indulge you. If you don't, feel free to just skip this post. I promise I won't be offended ;)

So at the beginning of October, I was feeling off. I couldn't sleep at night because I was unbelievably HOT ALL THE TIME. Which is strange for me, because I am usually freezing most of the time. I also avoid getting myself overheated because it brings on symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis. However, it seemed I was lucky because I wasn't feeling shaky or unbalanced like I get in the summer. I was also pretty grouchy and my boobs were hurting. (Sorry TMI). This is completely unlike me with PMS, but still just felt "different". I am on a lot of scary meds and steroids normally so I figured I should test just in case before doing my weekly steroid injection. I tried to be sneaky so I actually took the test while Alex was in the shower. Because I didn't want him to know I was doing it, when it didn't immediately turn positive, I threw it out. (Usually I get really dark lines, really early in pregnancy) So I figured it was negative, and did my shot (WHOOPS). Later that day, I went to dump the trash and I noticed a faint positive line on the test... but I figured it was an evap line that can happen after a pregnancy test sits for a while. I haven't ever got one but I have read about them. But I thought it was curious....

Four days later I was due for my period. It hadn't shown and I was getting a horrible migraine. I didn't want to take anything just in case (my migraine meds are actually anti-seizure meds and they are really bad during pregnancy). So I made Alex go get another test. I can still remember the look of disgust he had on his face at the thought of buying another pregnancy test. He brought it home and I took it immediately. I was in the bathroom and Jocelyn burst in just like she always does. This was the convo:

Me:Guess what? I am gonna have a baby Joce Bear
Jocelyn: Yeah, a baby. LIKE THE KITTY
Me: Well lets hope its not like the kitty, then I would have a lot of explaining to do..
Jocelyn: *puzzled expression* and then *nervous, confused laugh* LOL

So I went out and showed Alex and he burst into a huge grin. It was great. We were super thrilled. And now here I am... 13 1/2 weeks pregnant :)

I am incredibly excited about this pregnancy. I was hoping to get one more opportunity to experience this before my MS got to bad and I couldn't go without my meds. I know that this might not seem like the best time, but for us, it really is perfect. I have never felt so secure in my relationship with Alex. We have our own home, plans for the future and a wedding in the works. I know a lot of people are worried about me, but honestly I am doing fabulous.

MS and pregnancy is actually pretty cool. MS goes into almost complete remission while pregnant. I have had better balance the last three months than I have in the last two years! HOWEVER, because my back muscles were weakened before I got pregnant, I am dealing with a lot of back and hip pain. Boo. I grunt like a 75 yr old man when I have to bend over lol. Poor Alex, he has to deal with me. But, my depression has been doing FABULOUS. I feel fantastic and happy and excited!

This pregnancy is going by so quickly. I didn't have too much morning sickness and that has subsided now. I do cry alot and get really tired, which stinks. My nose is like a bloodhound, I can smell EVERYTHING. And my gag reflux is still pretty sensitive. But I am hangin in there!

I will try to keep you all updated as I get more info and of course, when I get more ultrasounds. I will post those pictures on FB too :)

Okay, woo.... time for a picture, yes?.

Here is me, last week at 12 weeks pregnant. Try to disregard my lack of makeup and crappy hair. I am too tired to worry about that these days!

The Anatomy of a Soul Mate..

Okay everyone... this post is extremely difficult for me to write, but I feel it is absolutely necessary so rumors can be put to rest and I can move forward peacefully in my life. This is the story of what happened with my husband and how I came to be with Alex.

I met Alex when I was just 17 years old. I had started a new job after moving to Salt Lake at Hogle Zoo. I was just about to start my senior year at a completely new high school and I was terrified. My mom and I searched the newspaper for a job where I could meet people my age and start a new social circle. Alex, who was in Human Resources, did my orientation for my new position. He led my sexual harrassment and customer service training. I remember sitting in the front row and thinking, "Wow, he is pretty cute... he must be married and have kids. I bet he reads the newspaper every morning while drinking coffee." Lol, I know, random.. and it turned out to be completely FALSE. Alex was not married, no kids and hates coffee. But I thought this because Alex was 27 at the time. Yes, 10 years older than me.

(One of my senior pics... dang I used to be so skinny!)

After orientation I met a really sweet girl named Jessie, and we decided to choose our work crushes. (I know, stupid.. but hey I was a teenager). She picked a super cool guy.. like the ones that pop their collars and put a gallon of gel in their hair. I picked Alex. We used to kind of work "stalk" them if you will. Again, I know how lame that sounds.

Then I started high school. I was very shy and met very few people. I decided not to be in the yearbook and spent all my time studying. I graduated with a bunch of college credit and a 4.0 GPA. But in March, I met an amazing someone named Casey Walker. It was a blind date set up by Brandie Parker for the Spring Fling dance. I remember when I met Casey, he completely ignored me. I remember being pissed because I had never just been blown off all the time by a guy. Yet, he continued to call and call and somehow we ended up in a relationship. In October 2007, just 5 months after graduating I became pregnant. We were young and terrified. In January we found out we were having twins and then went through a premature delivery, death of a child, etc. (That is another story I will tell later.) We leaned on each other and became each other's strength. We were inseparable, amazing and so dependant on each other.

(My first famiily pic when Jocelyn finally came home from the NICU)

While I was pregnant, I was placed on bedrest, Casey proposed. It was so sweet and heartfelt. I went into labor that very night.. Valentine's Day. We planned a wedding for May 2009. I loved planning the wedding. I had my best friend Josh to help with everything. He was so great. As the day grew closer.. I remember getting so nervous for some reason. I was sick to my stomach and depressed. I asked Casey to postpone the wedding but we had already sent out the invites. I asked my mom for help, but that did nothing. She said the same thing.. the invites are out.. the wedding is going to happen.

(Despite some sadness, Jocelyn was my light. So beautiful!)

(Barely after Joce Bear came home. Wow.. I was so blonde.. lol)

On May 9, 2009 we got "married". While waiting to walk down the aisle, I started hyperventilating. I didn't understand it. I loved Casey, he was amazing, we had a family and had been together for 2 years. But it didn't feel right. I proceeded through the wedding but refused to sign the marriage certificate. That is right, we never were actually "married". I am sorry to admit this to everyone because it is extremely difficult.

(This is me and my older sister.. I actually have like NO pics from the wedding anymore..)

We did go on a honeymoon trip to California, and when we got back, things just fell apart. I was depressed all the time. I moped at work and people noticed. Alex, who hardly ever said anything to me, noticed. By this time he was actually my manager. This is when all the rumors started. Me and Alex started talking and bonded SOOOO fast. I couldn't believe it. When he FINALLY started talking to me, we were like twin souls. We started out as friends, and then I realized I loved him. I had loved him from afar for 3 years already and he finally felt the same.

(This is actually on my "honeymoon" at the Winchester Mansion in CA)

OKAY WOO... SO THIS IS WHEN THE HORRIBLENESS STARTED. I had to make a decision. Should I continue to work on a real marriage to Casey or move on. I was sick for over 6 months debating.. and the feelings I had for Casey lasted for an additional 2 years. I loved him, so much. He was my first love and my best friend. He is such an amazing guy and I am so thankful he is in my life. But somehow I was drawn to Alex. We were just so incredibly connected, it was mesmerizing.

The breakup was HORRIBLE. I couldn't find a perfect reason for why it all fell apart. Casey is an incredible person and the love I felt was real. I have finally realized that everything fell apart when we lost our son. The strain of such tragedy and the stress of a preemie baby sent me into a tailspin. Casey did too. He spent a lot of time with his friends drinking to cure his pain, while I sat at home and cried in bed. He wasn't there for me like I needed. But honestly, who can blame him? He was in SO much pain and so young, he cannot be blamed for trying to fix his own pain. But, this pain just caused a rift between us, and we were never the same.

(He really is an amazing father.)

I admit, I started dating Alex incredibly soon after my marriage fell apart. People at work began to ostricize me. I was alone and eventually lost my job because of it. The rumors flew that I was a whore and a cheater. For the record, I NEVER CHEATED ON CASEY. REPEAT, I NEVER CHEATED ON CASEY. He will say different but it is a rumor and completely false.

So what makes Alex so special? He is my own knight. I had watched him in admiration for 3 years and always dreamed about him. I practiced spelling my name with his last name in private, lol. He is so caring and kind and supportive. I went through an equally tragic time when I was diagnosed with MS, Major Depressive Disorder and Extremely Generalized Anxiety. But, instead of going out with friends like Casey, he stayed by my side through everything. He dealt with my mood swings and rages and crying fits and never left. That is what I needed and still do.

He is so smart and determined. He has helped me through school work and can debate with me on current world issues. I had never had this before. It is so amazing. He is so respectful and honestly tells me I am beautiful EVERY SINGLE DAY. He has done this now for 3 years, never missing a day!

People have made horrible remarks to me. They say I am disgusting for dating someone 10 years my senior. They have called Alex a cradle robber. They have said I got with my manager to get special treatment at work. THESE ARE ALL FALSE. Age is just a number and a measure of wisdom to me. I matured early by becoming a young mother and I relate more to him than men my own age. Alex is not a cradle robber, when we started dating I was 20 years old. He NEVER hit on me, made advances or anything when I was a minor or with any of my boyfriends. He is extremely respectful. I never wanted to get special treatment at work and I didn't. I dated Alex because he was my soul mate, not to advance my career standing.

Sooo... now that you know the story, please put to rest any rumors about us. We are happy and stable. He is the best person I have ever met and I will NEVER find someone as amazing as he is. We are so in love and have a bright future ahead. Please support us in this and try to understand the dynamics of our special relationship. Thanks.

I hate Detroit...

So in the midst of all the craziness that ensued last week, I am sure there are many of you that were confused by my Facebook status and the status' of loved ones around me. I figured I would share the story.... definitely one for the books!

So on Tuesday I said a very tearful goodbye to my big sister Emma and boarded a plane from Virginia, headed to my layover in Detroit, MI. When I got to my gate they were explaining that they had scheduled two planes to leave from the same terminals just 9 minutes apart in time.. ugh.. so both flights were going to be delayed about 25 minutes. I sat down and looked at my flight itinerary and realized I only had a 35 minute layover in Detroit! That meant I would have like less than 10 minutes to get off one plane and on another. I knew it was bad news bears....

Of course when we landed I RAN for my next gate. I have MS, running is not my friend. So, I was nearly dead by the time I got to the gate and lo and behold, it was shut and the plane was leaving. I missed it. Boo. I explained the situation to the reservation lady and she was actually really nice, all things considered. She told me that the next flight would be tomorrow morning (Yuck) but that they would pay for my hotel room at the Sheraton, pay for my meals and she even bumped me to first class on the next flight.

But then I turned around and it donned on me. I am stranded. Alone. In Detroit. OH GOD. I started having a panic attack. I walked to the hotel shuttles and waited forEVER for the Sheraton passenger van. By the time I got checked in and up to my room, I started to calm down a bit. The room was really pretty (although kind of wasted on just me). The bed was fabulous as I seriously considered jacking one of the pillows.... (I didn't know that Utah girl was pregnant when she checked in last night? lol)

I went downstairs to the restaurant for dinner. They hooked me up with 15 bucks for dinner and 6 bucks for breakfast. But, I don't eat breakfast so I used it all on dinner. Heck yes! I even brought up a piece of Key Lime Pie for my midnight sugar craving ;). I watched some TV, ate my pie and was out like a light by 9:00PM................ and then....................

I woke up at 6:00. My flight didn't leave until 12:30 but my stomach was hurting and I couldn't get back to sleep. I dozed for about an hour when the pain escalated to a point I couldn't move. I layed there for an hour longer but nothing helped. I couldn't get up or anything. I was getting so nauseas and was shaking uncontrollably from sheer, horrific pain. Eventually I called Alex and told him I thought I needed to call 911 and told him I would get back to him when I got to the hospital. I called EMS and within 20 minutes I was admitted to Oakwood-Annapolis Hospital in Detroit.

Their emergency rooms didn't have "rooms" just curtains separating patients so you definitely get all up in everyone's business. After they had sufficiently pumped me with morphine and I was in my happy place, I started listening in on the other people. (Hey I needed SOMETHING to keep me entertained, I was there all alone!) The guy next to me had been mugged and robbed. Three breaks to the jaw, one broken rib, and a huge concussion. I was reminded of how desperately I wanted out of THIS city. I hate you Detroit.

The old woman next to me had stomach pain too, but from taking too many stool softeners. Gross. But I had to laugh a little although I felt bad because she just kept WAILING "And they will suffer, and they will suffer, and they will suffer, ah help me Jesus, help me Jesus"

To which the guy on my left responded "I want some "Dillaudee" It is pronounced DIL-AU-DID. But he started his own chant of "I want some dillaudee, get me some dillaudeeee" lol. (It is a pain killer like morphine)

The lady in front of me had a simple rash from her laundry detergent and was BEGGING the doctors for a morphine shot for the pain. Seriously lady? lol.. no wonder doctors think we are all just after the pain meds when we go to the ER. Had to laugh..

Eventually I had an ultrasound and they found Gallstones. Bad ones. And absolutely TONS. They debated on whether to do the surgery in Michigan or whether to try and get me back to Utah for care. But ultimately they were scary enough they decided to operate. So there I was.. stuck in a hospital I don't know, in a state I am not from, mid way between family on the east and west. I was miserable.

While waiting for anesthesia, they wheeled a woman in from surgery to recoop. After about 3 minutes she SHOT up and screamed "WHERE AM I, WHO ARE YOU, WHO AM I?" And then laid back down. LOL. The nurses all ran over to help her calm down and I think she figured it out because there were no more outbursts :)

So I had the surgery. Don't remember much of it. I am told it went well. I have horrible reactions to anesthesia so I was on Demerol and super intense pain killers and nausea pills. I don't remember anything until the next afternoon.

My MS has yet to become a HUGE problem for me.. however it definitely was humbling to see that the effects of this disease are already impacting other health capacities... the next day I could not urinate. This is frequent after surgery but it lasted for a full 2 days. Endless catheters sucked butt, I am not gonna lie. My bladder just did not want to wake up and function to save my life! No pills would be effective because my bladder is deficient for MS.

Another MS issue we ran into was just that my tolerance for pain has diminished. I was in a lot more pain than I should have been and they didn't want me to go home because it was so bad but I was determined to get out of there! Thankfully, they were very liberal with the morphine and I was at least quite chipper the whole stay haha. I definitely bonded with all the nurses and staff. They were some amazing people.

OH! And the COOLEST thing happened. I was in my room when this really pretty black lady walked into my room and asked me how I was I doing. I said I was in pain and without saying a single word she put her hand on mine and starting saying a prayer for me. And it was one of those AWESOME black lady prayers I always wanted to be around and I got one just for me!! She sang me a hymn and I swear I felt better. I tell you what, no one prays with as much convinction as that lady! Best experience of the whole trip. To that lady--- it was lifechanging. Thank you!

On Thursday I was released after my mom and Alex arrived from Utah to help me get back home. We ended up staying until Saturday to give me a little time to recover before attempting airports. Saturday came and we made the trek. It was horrible. I am not going to lie. Like literally horrific. Walking that far was killing me, and so we would get me pushed in a wheelchair but that was always awkward! It seemed like I got all the crazy airport employees that have mastered pushing a wheelchair around at 25 mph, bumps or no bumps. I felt like I was on some horrible rollercoaster lol.

But alas, I did make it home and I was so happy to be there. I have never been so happy to see our super brown, hardly green mountains and smell that nasty stank from the Great Salt Lake. I hadn't seen my babies in a week and a half and they punished me for that. They are just now starting to forgive me...

Even though I am in recovery I am just so excited to be able to do anything but lay in bed! I have been pushing myself pretty hard to get housework and cooking done and playing with my kids. I think I have a newfound belief that if something bad CAN happen, it WILL. But also that GOOD lessons and knowledge come out of BAD experiences!

At last.. PEACE AND QUIET!

So yesterday I flew into Roanoke, Virginia to spend a week with my older sister and brother in law. It seems like it has been so long since I have seen them, I was so ecstatic for the trip! Getting here... not so exciting. I have a HUGE fear of flying! I thought I was going to die. Thankfully the lovely APRN I see sent me with ativan for the plane rides. I must say it did the trick except that I slept the entire time laying on the shoulder of a man I have never met before in my life. Imagine my surprise when I woke up and had to apologize to him! He seemed pretty funny, an older, business man just playing on his laptop. He just laughed and said he assumed his shoulder would be more comfortable than the window anyway lol... AWKWARD. So I am not sure if I am going to take the ativan on the way back... we will see lol.

Getting to Virginia was great, it has been so long since I have had a lot of time to connect with my sister and my brother in law. It gets hectic with my kids and with everyone else wanted to see them that its been several years since I have been able to really connect with them by myself. It has been nice. Tonight me and Em took turns watching shows that the other person was interested in. I made her watch an episode of Desperate Housewives and she had me watch an episode of a korean drama.. which was actually really funny. So overall we had a great day. I do admit that I miss my babies already. I am going crazy and don't know how I am going to make it another 5 days without seeing my sweet beautiful family.

I have been spending my time on my own personal form of crack---pintrest. I have found ideas for EVERYTHING. I have even gotten Alex on and obsessed with it lol. I am so proud of him. I finally feel like I am getting a true vision of what I want for the wedding and have pictures that I can show people when they ask and that is nice. I feel much more organized. Not only that but crafts have completely taken over my apartment! I am in DIY heaven right now.

And I have decided to learn to cook. I have to follow a gluten-free, dairy-free, legume-free (including peanuts :( ) diet so I have found tons of recipes on pintrest that look delicious and healthy and safe for my MS Recovery Diet. Hopefully Alex and the kids can learn to like them too because I just feel so much better when I am eating right. After eating the food my sister has out lhere I am convinced that I will be buying as much organic food as we can possibly afford. I feel just great after eating this food. It is amamzing!!

So I am loving this time to relax but I am already terribly missing my little babies and my big one too-Alex- :) I love you honey

Kids Say the Darndest Things....

So.. the best thing I have going for me these days is that I am a mother. My two children are my whole universe and the reason I am the person I am today. I was talking with my mom last week and we were talking about some of our favorite things that the kids have said and I realized... I can't remember a lot of the hilarious things that come out of their mouths. To help change this, I want to write them down here so that I can look back on them and never forget these precious moments.

Let me start with Gabriel. Gabriel has just started talking on a regular basis. He melts my heart when he speaks because he has this tiny little voice. Everything he says is with such sincerity, I could die. Some of my family things he says:

• Rackers (crackers)
• Snaaaaah (snack)
• doss-yin (Jocelyn)
• Bob-bob (Spongebob)
• dis one (whenever he points to anything!)
• Everyday without fail when Alex gets home he screams "Mama!!" We cannot for the life of him get him to call him daddy. It is so funny!
• ssssaaa (pizza)
• duce (juice)
• sow wow (cereal)

Today he said his first sentence. He was being a pain and I said, "Gabe, do you want to go take a nap?" To which he replied, "NO, I duss want snaaaah". (No, I just want snacks) LOL. So precious. I love him to death!

And now to my little diva girl, Jocelyn. Jocelyn is so hilarious, there isn't enough free time in the world to write all the funny things she says but I will tell you my very favorites:

• When she was a little younger she loved Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. She called it "Mickey Mouse Scub Mouse" haha
• Her first official name for Alex was Daboo, I still refer to him as this sometimes lol
• She LOVES Marshmallows. She calls them "Smarsh-s-mayo's" hahaha

Most of all, I just love hearing the things that go through her perfect little brain. They keep me laughing all day!

Today For Example:

Jocelyn: Mommy, what are you doing?
Me: I am going to take a bath
Jocelyn: Yeah, a bath, you STINK
Me: hahaha
Jocelyn: Yeah, you big stink
Me: Well thanks Jocelyn....
Jocelyn: You are welcome mommy.

This is a daily occurrance...
Me: Okay Joce, it is bedtime
Jocelyn: UMMMM... How bout no.
LOL

She starts EVERY sentence with the word and. Hahaha

Jocelyn: And I am growing bigger and BIIIIIGGGGER
Alex: Are you going to be as big as a house?
Jocelyn:NO. I am going to be as big as a girl.

Jocelyn (everytime she goes to the bathroom even though she has been potty trained for a year): And I go potty like a BIG GIRL

Jocelyn to Me: And YOU go potty like a BIG GIRL

Jocelyn to basically everything: And I yike you mommy. And I yuv you Gabe. To da moon aaaannnnddd back

Everyday she says "And I am going to see my grandma and my grandpa and the free (three) dogs! It isn't a question.. she is stating a fact in her mind lol.

ABCDEFGHIJKL M AND M AND P

We get in an elevator....
Jocelyn: And that was CA-YOS (close) lol. Makes me laugh everytime.

Such cherished memories these will be one day! Hopefully I cheered up your day. Here are some updated pictures of us from today! Finally getting settled in our new home. I will put up pictures when I am finished decorating!

I am going to have to track Alex down to get a picture from him, haha

To those who loved, and love me

Dear Family and Friends (Both Former and Current),

I thought it important that I write a letter to all those who are or have been close to me, and to hopefully explain and apologize for some of my actions. I went through a period of such severe depression that I was overmedicated-- which sent me into a tailspin. I was overly sensitive, agitated, manic and always moody. I was bitchy, unfriendly and unforgiving. I held grudges, couldn't let go of the past and couldn't understand why. I felt sorry for myself and expected everyone to do the same. I became aggressive and dark as opposed to my happy go lucky self. I am happy to say that I have found treatment and beaten this period and now would like to make amends. Please find your name for your section!

Ashley, JP, Mike, Court:
I am so sorry for the countless times that I have made plans with you and had to last minute cancel. Multiple Sclerosis is an unpredictable disease at best and can rear its ugly head so quickly. I have been questioned on whether my symptoms are real because people cannot understand how you can function normally one day and lose the ability to walk unassisted the next. The migraines that I suffer from often come in the late afternoon and early evening and can leave me unable to leave a dark room in bed. The fatigue that I have nearly daily can make me lose my breath and go weak after walking down one flight of stairs. It is so frustrating because I want more than anything to get out of the house! This place is my home, but mainly my prison, where I spend most of my time. I used to love to go out and having that taken from me has been difficult. Thank you for inviting me countless times to hang out, and I sincerely apologize for my cancellations. Please, please do not stop inviting me. I honestly have very few friends left and if I lose you guys I will be friendless! I try to make it when I feel up to it, just know I never try to make excuses not to see you. Honestly I could throw up at the thought of spending one more evening at home on my couch. Thank you for your kindness and sticking by me!

Josh:
Where do I start? I just want to say that I am sorry for everything. Honestly and truly, everything. You are one of the most amazing, genuine people I have ever met and I miss you dearly. I sometimes Facebook stalk you to see how you are doing, lol. I saw about your dad. I am sorry. And I am sorry I wasn't there. I heard once you referred to our loss of friendship as painful as a divorce. It was for me too and I spent a lot of nights crying. Honestly I still do. No one has ever understood me on the level you did and I would give anything to have that back. I felt like you abandoned me, but I have forgiven that and I just plain miss you. I am happy to see you are in a relationship. Congrats. I still love and care about you very much and have never had a more best friend. I think about you often and it makes my heart hurts. I wish you well though. Lots of hugs.

Tiffany:
 I am so sorry for everything. I am sorry I wasn't at your wedding. I am sorry I made those mistakes when we were trying to plan, but most of all I am sorry I got pregnant when you were engaged.. I know that sounds dumb but I am acutally truly sorry. I got so sick and depressed I just wasn't even functioning. I honestly slept 20 hours a day, was barely there for my daughter and attempted suicide. It was bad. I didn't let you in because I didn't want you to see my pain. I wanted everything to be so special for your big day. I wanted you to have everything in your wedding that I didn't have in mine-- true happiness. I miss you. I miss having someone to shop with. I have no girlfriends. None. I haven't gone to the mall since we last did together. I miss you so much and would give anything to take everything back, to go back in time, to change it. I was a total bitch and highly sensitive. I have been through a lot and I know that doesn't excuse any of my actions, but I just hope you can understand why. I know that you have blocked me... but I hope you read this and reconsider a friendship. I wish you and Braden every happiness in the world. Love ya to death and your family.

Toni:
I am sorry I never sent you a thank you note for the wedding gift... my marriage fell apart so fast I was scrambling to pick up the pieces and never did send out the thank you cards. I know that was a bitchy move on my part.. I would do it now but it is three years later! I have retreated from you a little because I felt like you judged me for dating Alex.I remember when I told you he was 10 years older than me and you said "Eww" and it hurt. He takes care of me in a way that Casey never could. Through everything I have been through, I have aged and I no longer relate to guys our age. I hope that you can understand and get to know him sometime. He really is a great person and my soul mate. Age is just a number for us, and we are very happy. I love you girl and I miss you. I wish you and Mike the best. You deserve it beautiful.

Toyshika:
I know that I didn't know you very well and we clashed on the subject of single motherhood. I just wanted to apologize... I was in a very difficult point in my life and felt alone. It wasn't Alex's fault and you were right... he was there for me much more than I gave him credit. I just wanted to apologize and say that I hope we can get off to a better start next time. We are really excited to come down to Vegas for the wedding. Congratulations

Stacie and Dave:
I am sorry that you had to deal with mine and Alex's fighting and I wanted to thank you for giving him a place to stay. We went through a very difficult time when I became ill. I think Alex lost himself for awhile. We love each other very much, but we had to make sure it was right. I pushed him to move out because I honestly thought he would be happier without me.. with someone who wasn't sick. I am sorry you had to deal with us during this time and I know it may have impacted your opinion of me. I just wanted to apologize and say that I hope things can improve from here. No worries.. Alex won't be coming back to live with you again haha.

Megan Erickson:
 I am sorry for what happened around your birthday. I still never did find out what I said to upset you, but honestly you are right, it doesn't matter. I miss having your friendship and someone to talk to. I heard you got married, so Congrats. Thanks for being there for many when I was at my darkest. You and Mike really were true blue friends to me and I messed that up. Forgive me, if you can.

Mom and Todd:
 I am sorry that you have had to deal with my anger, mood swings and help so much with the kids. I know that around Christmas and New Years things got really dark for me and everything fell apart. I am sorry that I failed you and I hope I never see that side of myself again. It was horrible and I needed help. I needed what I got and I thank you for having the wisdom to know what is best for me.. even though I am an adult. I love you. Mommy, you are my hero. My everything and the person and mother I want to be someday. I need you just as much now as I did when I was little, maybe more. I am so happy that my best friend is my mom. Not many people can say that. I am very lucky.

Sarah:
I am sorry for all the years in high school when I didn't know how to help you..I distanced myself because I didn't know what to do. I am sorry that sometimes I fail you and don't have the right things to say. I want you to know that I am so involved in your treatment and want to be there for you in anyway that you will let me. I see myself in you and I know you are strong. You can fight things, you can win. I want to be there with you when you beat this. Because you WILL. And you will fix your marriage and find happiness in life. Please let me be there.

Emily:
I am sorry that I have gone through periods of aggitation and withdrawal. I avoided calls because I just couldn't talk about what I was going through sometimes. It felt like we were in a one-upping contest on who had it worse and that is just not the way it should be. We are both warriors fighting horrible diseases and should be our biggest supporters. I am happy that things are changing and we are getting closer again. You have inspired me to thoroughly look into nutrition and holistic therapy and you remind me that I am not alone in this fight. I love you and can't wait to see you.

Yon:
Yon, I am sorry for the fights we had during the holidays. I know that we were going through some rough times and we just fought with each other. I was too sensitive and I pushed you away when you tried to help. I know that you were just trying to help and be supportive. I miss the quotes and song suggestions you would send me. They were very helpful. I miss ya buddy, and hope to see you soon!

And finally... My Alex:
Oh Alex, where do I begin? I love you so much. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. My knight in shining armor, my everything. You are my best friend, my biggest fan and also my greatest challenger. You push me to do the best I can, to keep fighting, to constantly look for ways to feel better. You put up with my constant whining and help out much more than you should have to after working a full time job. You listen patiently as I go off on my little tangents and I love you for it. You never cease to tell me how beautiful you think I am, even after almost 4 years together. Almost everyday... and even though I challenge you on it, it means the world to me. I love you so much.
I am sorry that you fell in love with someone who is so sick, physically and mentally. I know that you could have left countless times but you didn't. You stuck it out through my aggression and anger, my depression and mania, through my anxiety and chronic pain. I can't thank you enough for being you. My rock. My soul mate. I can't wait to get married and be Mrs. Latimer forever :)



I love you all so much and this has been waying on me for some time. I hope that you all can find it in your hearts to figure this woman. I am so so sorry.

Sincerely,
Val