I'm Pregnant!

Sorry for the super long time frame between posts! It has been pretty hectic in our little life. In October, I found out I am pregnant again! We had been "Not trying, not preventing" for about 6 months prior to this, but it was still pretty unexpected! So for all of those that actually like reading pregnancy updates and stories, I shall indulge you. If you don't, feel free to just skip this post. I promise I won't be offended ;)

So at the beginning of October, I was feeling off. I couldn't sleep at night because I was unbelievably HOT ALL THE TIME. Which is strange for me, because I am usually freezing most of the time. I also avoid getting myself overheated because it brings on symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis. However, it seemed I was lucky because I wasn't feeling shaky or unbalanced like I get in the summer. I was also pretty grouchy and my boobs were hurting. (Sorry TMI). This is completely unlike me with PMS, but still just felt "different". I am on a lot of scary meds and steroids normally so I figured I should test just in case before doing my weekly steroid injection. I tried to be sneaky so I actually took the test while Alex was in the shower. Because I didn't want him to know I was doing it, when it didn't immediately turn positive, I threw it out. (Usually I get really dark lines, really early in pregnancy) So I figured it was negative, and did my shot (WHOOPS). Later that day, I went to dump the trash and I noticed a faint positive line on the test... but I figured it was an evap line that can happen after a pregnancy test sits for a while. I haven't ever got one but I have read about them. But I thought it was curious....

Four days later I was due for my period. It hadn't shown and I was getting a horrible migraine. I didn't want to take anything just in case (my migraine meds are actually anti-seizure meds and they are really bad during pregnancy). So I made Alex go get another test. I can still remember the look of disgust he had on his face at the thought of buying another pregnancy test. He brought it home and I took it immediately. I was in the bathroom and Jocelyn burst in just like she always does. This was the convo:

Me:Guess what? I am gonna have a baby Joce Bear
Jocelyn: Yeah, a baby. LIKE THE KITTY
Me: Well lets hope its not like the kitty, then I would have a lot of explaining to do..
Jocelyn: *puzzled expression* and then *nervous, confused laugh* LOL

So I went out and showed Alex and he burst into a huge grin. It was great. We were super thrilled. And now here I am... 13 1/2 weeks pregnant :)

I am incredibly excited about this pregnancy. I was hoping to get one more opportunity to experience this before my MS got to bad and I couldn't go without my meds. I know that this might not seem like the best time, but for us, it really is perfect. I have never felt so secure in my relationship with Alex. We have our own home, plans for the future and a wedding in the works. I know a lot of people are worried about me, but honestly I am doing fabulous.

MS and pregnancy is actually pretty cool. MS goes into almost complete remission while pregnant. I have had better balance the last three months than I have in the last two years! HOWEVER, because my back muscles were weakened before I got pregnant, I am dealing with a lot of back and hip pain. Boo. I grunt like a 75 yr old man when I have to bend over lol. Poor Alex, he has to deal with me. But, my depression has been doing FABULOUS. I feel fantastic and happy and excited!

This pregnancy is going by so quickly. I didn't have too much morning sickness and that has subsided now. I do cry alot and get really tired, which stinks. My nose is like a bloodhound, I can smell EVERYTHING. And my gag reflux is still pretty sensitive. But I am hangin in there!

I will try to keep you all updated as I get more info and of course, when I get more ultrasounds. I will post those pictures on FB too :)

Okay, woo.... time for a picture, yes?.

Here is me, last week at 12 weeks pregnant. Try to disregard my lack of makeup and crappy hair. I am too tired to worry about that these days!

The Anatomy of a Soul Mate..

Okay everyone... this post is extremely difficult for me to write, but I feel it is absolutely necessary so rumors can be put to rest and I can move forward peacefully in my life. This is the story of what happened with my husband and how I came to be with Alex.

I met Alex when I was just 17 years old. I had started a new job after moving to Salt Lake at Hogle Zoo. I was just about to start my senior year at a completely new high school and I was terrified. My mom and I searched the newspaper for a job where I could meet people my age and start a new social circle. Alex, who was in Human Resources, did my orientation for my new position. He led my sexual harrassment and customer service training. I remember sitting in the front row and thinking, "Wow, he is pretty cute... he must be married and have kids. I bet he reads the newspaper every morning while drinking coffee." Lol, I know, random.. and it turned out to be completely FALSE. Alex was not married, no kids and hates coffee. But I thought this because Alex was 27 at the time. Yes, 10 years older than me.

(One of my senior pics... dang I used to be so skinny!)

After orientation I met a really sweet girl named Jessie, and we decided to choose our work crushes. (I know, stupid.. but hey I was a teenager). She picked a super cool guy.. like the ones that pop their collars and put a gallon of gel in their hair. I picked Alex. We used to kind of work "stalk" them if you will. Again, I know how lame that sounds.

Then I started high school. I was very shy and met very few people. I decided not to be in the yearbook and spent all my time studying. I graduated with a bunch of college credit and a 4.0 GPA. But in March, I met an amazing someone named Casey Walker. It was a blind date set up by Brandie Parker for the Spring Fling dance. I remember when I met Casey, he completely ignored me. I remember being pissed because I had never just been blown off all the time by a guy. Yet, he continued to call and call and somehow we ended up in a relationship. In October 2007, just 5 months after graduating I became pregnant. We were young and terrified. In January we found out we were having twins and then went through a premature delivery, death of a child, etc. (That is another story I will tell later.) We leaned on each other and became each other's strength. We were inseparable, amazing and so dependant on each other.

(My first famiily pic when Jocelyn finally came home from the NICU)

While I was pregnant, I was placed on bedrest, Casey proposed. It was so sweet and heartfelt. I went into labor that very night.. Valentine's Day. We planned a wedding for May 2009. I loved planning the wedding. I had my best friend Josh to help with everything. He was so great. As the day grew closer.. I remember getting so nervous for some reason. I was sick to my stomach and depressed. I asked Casey to postpone the wedding but we had already sent out the invites. I asked my mom for help, but that did nothing. She said the same thing.. the invites are out.. the wedding is going to happen.

(Despite some sadness, Jocelyn was my light. So beautiful!)

(Barely after Joce Bear came home. Wow.. I was so blonde.. lol)

On May 9, 2009 we got "married". While waiting to walk down the aisle, I started hyperventilating. I didn't understand it. I loved Casey, he was amazing, we had a family and had been together for 2 years. But it didn't feel right. I proceeded through the wedding but refused to sign the marriage certificate. That is right, we never were actually "married". I am sorry to admit this to everyone because it is extremely difficult.

(This is me and my older sister.. I actually have like NO pics from the wedding anymore..)

We did go on a honeymoon trip to California, and when we got back, things just fell apart. I was depressed all the time. I moped at work and people noticed. Alex, who hardly ever said anything to me, noticed. By this time he was actually my manager. This is when all the rumors started. Me and Alex started talking and bonded SOOOO fast. I couldn't believe it. When he FINALLY started talking to me, we were like twin souls. We started out as friends, and then I realized I loved him. I had loved him from afar for 3 years already and he finally felt the same.

(This is actually on my "honeymoon" at the Winchester Mansion in CA)

OKAY WOO... SO THIS IS WHEN THE HORRIBLENESS STARTED. I had to make a decision. Should I continue to work on a real marriage to Casey or move on. I was sick for over 6 months debating.. and the feelings I had for Casey lasted for an additional 2 years. I loved him, so much. He was my first love and my best friend. He is such an amazing guy and I am so thankful he is in my life. But somehow I was drawn to Alex. We were just so incredibly connected, it was mesmerizing.

The breakup was HORRIBLE. I couldn't find a perfect reason for why it all fell apart. Casey is an incredible person and the love I felt was real. I have finally realized that everything fell apart when we lost our son. The strain of such tragedy and the stress of a preemie baby sent me into a tailspin. Casey did too. He spent a lot of time with his friends drinking to cure his pain, while I sat at home and cried in bed. He wasn't there for me like I needed. But honestly, who can blame him? He was in SO much pain and so young, he cannot be blamed for trying to fix his own pain. But, this pain just caused a rift between us, and we were never the same.

(He really is an amazing father.)

I admit, I started dating Alex incredibly soon after my marriage fell apart. People at work began to ostricize me. I was alone and eventually lost my job because of it. The rumors flew that I was a whore and a cheater. For the record, I NEVER CHEATED ON CASEY. REPEAT, I NEVER CHEATED ON CASEY. He will say different but it is a rumor and completely false.

So what makes Alex so special? He is my own knight. I had watched him in admiration for 3 years and always dreamed about him. I practiced spelling my name with his last name in private, lol. He is so caring and kind and supportive. I went through an equally tragic time when I was diagnosed with MS, Major Depressive Disorder and Extremely Generalized Anxiety. But, instead of going out with friends like Casey, he stayed by my side through everything. He dealt with my mood swings and rages and crying fits and never left. That is what I needed and still do.

He is so smart and determined. He has helped me through school work and can debate with me on current world issues. I had never had this before. It is so amazing. He is so respectful and honestly tells me I am beautiful EVERY SINGLE DAY. He has done this now for 3 years, never missing a day!

People have made horrible remarks to me. They say I am disgusting for dating someone 10 years my senior. They have called Alex a cradle robber. They have said I got with my manager to get special treatment at work. THESE ARE ALL FALSE. Age is just a number and a measure of wisdom to me. I matured early by becoming a young mother and I relate more to him than men my own age. Alex is not a cradle robber, when we started dating I was 20 years old. He NEVER hit on me, made advances or anything when I was a minor or with any of my boyfriends. He is extremely respectful. I never wanted to get special treatment at work and I didn't. I dated Alex because he was my soul mate, not to advance my career standing.

Sooo... now that you know the story, please put to rest any rumors about us. We are happy and stable. He is the best person I have ever met and I will NEVER find someone as amazing as he is. We are so in love and have a bright future ahead. Please support us in this and try to understand the dynamics of our special relationship. Thanks.

I hate Detroit...

So in the midst of all the craziness that ensued last week, I am sure there are many of you that were confused by my Facebook status and the status' of loved ones around me. I figured I would share the story.... definitely one for the books!

So on Tuesday I said a very tearful goodbye to my big sister Emma and boarded a plane from Virginia, headed to my layover in Detroit, MI. When I got to my gate they were explaining that they had scheduled two planes to leave from the same terminals just 9 minutes apart in time.. ugh.. so both flights were going to be delayed about 25 minutes. I sat down and looked at my flight itinerary and realized I only had a 35 minute layover in Detroit! That meant I would have like less than 10 minutes to get off one plane and on another. I knew it was bad news bears....

Of course when we landed I RAN for my next gate. I have MS, running is not my friend. So, I was nearly dead by the time I got to the gate and lo and behold, it was shut and the plane was leaving. I missed it. Boo. I explained the situation to the reservation lady and she was actually really nice, all things considered. She told me that the next flight would be tomorrow morning (Yuck) but that they would pay for my hotel room at the Sheraton, pay for my meals and she even bumped me to first class on the next flight.

But then I turned around and it donned on me. I am stranded. Alone. In Detroit. OH GOD. I started having a panic attack. I walked to the hotel shuttles and waited forEVER for the Sheraton passenger van. By the time I got checked in and up to my room, I started to calm down a bit. The room was really pretty (although kind of wasted on just me). The bed was fabulous as I seriously considered jacking one of the pillows.... (I didn't know that Utah girl was pregnant when she checked in last night? lol)

I went downstairs to the restaurant for dinner. They hooked me up with 15 bucks for dinner and 6 bucks for breakfast. But, I don't eat breakfast so I used it all on dinner. Heck yes! I even brought up a piece of Key Lime Pie for my midnight sugar craving ;). I watched some TV, ate my pie and was out like a light by 9:00PM................ and then....................

I woke up at 6:00. My flight didn't leave until 12:30 but my stomach was hurting and I couldn't get back to sleep. I dozed for about an hour when the pain escalated to a point I couldn't move. I layed there for an hour longer but nothing helped. I couldn't get up or anything. I was getting so nauseas and was shaking uncontrollably from sheer, horrific pain. Eventually I called Alex and told him I thought I needed to call 911 and told him I would get back to him when I got to the hospital. I called EMS and within 20 minutes I was admitted to Oakwood-Annapolis Hospital in Detroit.

Their emergency rooms didn't have "rooms" just curtains separating patients so you definitely get all up in everyone's business. After they had sufficiently pumped me with morphine and I was in my happy place, I started listening in on the other people. (Hey I needed SOMETHING to keep me entertained, I was there all alone!) The guy next to me had been mugged and robbed. Three breaks to the jaw, one broken rib, and a huge concussion. I was reminded of how desperately I wanted out of THIS city. I hate you Detroit.

The old woman next to me had stomach pain too, but from taking too many stool softeners. Gross. But I had to laugh a little although I felt bad because she just kept WAILING "And they will suffer, and they will suffer, and they will suffer, ah help me Jesus, help me Jesus"

To which the guy on my left responded "I want some "Dillaudee" It is pronounced DIL-AU-DID. But he started his own chant of "I want some dillaudee, get me some dillaudeeee" lol. (It is a pain killer like morphine)

The lady in front of me had a simple rash from her laundry detergent and was BEGGING the doctors for a morphine shot for the pain. Seriously lady? lol.. no wonder doctors think we are all just after the pain meds when we go to the ER. Had to laugh..

Eventually I had an ultrasound and they found Gallstones. Bad ones. And absolutely TONS. They debated on whether to do the surgery in Michigan or whether to try and get me back to Utah for care. But ultimately they were scary enough they decided to operate. So there I was.. stuck in a hospital I don't know, in a state I am not from, mid way between family on the east and west. I was miserable.

While waiting for anesthesia, they wheeled a woman in from surgery to recoop. After about 3 minutes she SHOT up and screamed "WHERE AM I, WHO ARE YOU, WHO AM I?" And then laid back down. LOL. The nurses all ran over to help her calm down and I think she figured it out because there were no more outbursts :)

So I had the surgery. Don't remember much of it. I am told it went well. I have horrible reactions to anesthesia so I was on Demerol and super intense pain killers and nausea pills. I don't remember anything until the next afternoon.

My MS has yet to become a HUGE problem for me.. however it definitely was humbling to see that the effects of this disease are already impacting other health capacities... the next day I could not urinate. This is frequent after surgery but it lasted for a full 2 days. Endless catheters sucked butt, I am not gonna lie. My bladder just did not want to wake up and function to save my life! No pills would be effective because my bladder is deficient for MS.

Another MS issue we ran into was just that my tolerance for pain has diminished. I was in a lot more pain than I should have been and they didn't want me to go home because it was so bad but I was determined to get out of there! Thankfully, they were very liberal with the morphine and I was at least quite chipper the whole stay haha. I definitely bonded with all the nurses and staff. They were some amazing people.

OH! And the COOLEST thing happened. I was in my room when this really pretty black lady walked into my room and asked me how I was I doing. I said I was in pain and without saying a single word she put her hand on mine and starting saying a prayer for me. And it was one of those AWESOME black lady prayers I always wanted to be around and I got one just for me!! She sang me a hymn and I swear I felt better. I tell you what, no one prays with as much convinction as that lady! Best experience of the whole trip. To that lady--- it was lifechanging. Thank you!

On Thursday I was released after my mom and Alex arrived from Utah to help me get back home. We ended up staying until Saturday to give me a little time to recover before attempting airports. Saturday came and we made the trek. It was horrible. I am not going to lie. Like literally horrific. Walking that far was killing me, and so we would get me pushed in a wheelchair but that was always awkward! It seemed like I got all the crazy airport employees that have mastered pushing a wheelchair around at 25 mph, bumps or no bumps. I felt like I was on some horrible rollercoaster lol.

But alas, I did make it home and I was so happy to be there. I have never been so happy to see our super brown, hardly green mountains and smell that nasty stank from the Great Salt Lake. I hadn't seen my babies in a week and a half and they punished me for that. They are just now starting to forgive me...

Even though I am in recovery I am just so excited to be able to do anything but lay in bed! I have been pushing myself pretty hard to get housework and cooking done and playing with my kids. I think I have a newfound belief that if something bad CAN happen, it WILL. But also that GOOD lessons and knowledge come out of BAD experiences!

At last.. PEACE AND QUIET!

So yesterday I flew into Roanoke, Virginia to spend a week with my older sister and brother in law. It seems like it has been so long since I have seen them, I was so ecstatic for the trip! Getting here... not so exciting. I have a HUGE fear of flying! I thought I was going to die. Thankfully the lovely APRN I see sent me with ativan for the plane rides. I must say it did the trick except that I slept the entire time laying on the shoulder of a man I have never met before in my life. Imagine my surprise when I woke up and had to apologize to him! He seemed pretty funny, an older, business man just playing on his laptop. He just laughed and said he assumed his shoulder would be more comfortable than the window anyway lol... AWKWARD. So I am not sure if I am going to take the ativan on the way back... we will see lol.

Getting to Virginia was great, it has been so long since I have had a lot of time to connect with my sister and my brother in law. It gets hectic with my kids and with everyone else wanted to see them that its been several years since I have been able to really connect with them by myself. It has been nice. Tonight me and Em took turns watching shows that the other person was interested in. I made her watch an episode of Desperate Housewives and she had me watch an episode of a korean drama.. which was actually really funny. So overall we had a great day. I do admit that I miss my babies already. I am going crazy and don't know how I am going to make it another 5 days without seeing my sweet beautiful family.

I have been spending my time on my own personal form of crack---pintrest. I have found ideas for EVERYTHING. I have even gotten Alex on and obsessed with it lol. I am so proud of him. I finally feel like I am getting a true vision of what I want for the wedding and have pictures that I can show people when they ask and that is nice. I feel much more organized. Not only that but crafts have completely taken over my apartment! I am in DIY heaven right now.

And I have decided to learn to cook. I have to follow a gluten-free, dairy-free, legume-free (including peanuts :( ) diet so I have found tons of recipes on pintrest that look delicious and healthy and safe for my MS Recovery Diet. Hopefully Alex and the kids can learn to like them too because I just feel so much better when I am eating right. After eating the food my sister has out lhere I am convinced that I will be buying as much organic food as we can possibly afford. I feel just great after eating this food. It is amamzing!!

So I am loving this time to relax but I am already terribly missing my little babies and my big one too-Alex- :) I love you honey

Kids Say the Darndest Things....

So.. the best thing I have going for me these days is that I am a mother. My two children are my whole universe and the reason I am the person I am today. I was talking with my mom last week and we were talking about some of our favorite things that the kids have said and I realized... I can't remember a lot of the hilarious things that come out of their mouths. To help change this, I want to write them down here so that I can look back on them and never forget these precious moments.

Let me start with Gabriel. Gabriel has just started talking on a regular basis. He melts my heart when he speaks because he has this tiny little voice. Everything he says is with such sincerity, I could die. Some of my family things he says:

• Rackers (crackers)
• Snaaaaah (snack)
• doss-yin (Jocelyn)
• Bob-bob (Spongebob)
• dis one (whenever he points to anything!)
• Everyday without fail when Alex gets home he screams "Mama!!" We cannot for the life of him get him to call him daddy. It is so funny!
• ssssaaa (pizza)
• duce (juice)
• sow wow (cereal)

Today he said his first sentence. He was being a pain and I said, "Gabe, do you want to go take a nap?" To which he replied, "NO, I duss want snaaaah". (No, I just want snacks) LOL. So precious. I love him to death!

And now to my little diva girl, Jocelyn. Jocelyn is so hilarious, there isn't enough free time in the world to write all the funny things she says but I will tell you my very favorites:

• When she was a little younger she loved Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. She called it "Mickey Mouse Scub Mouse" haha
• Her first official name for Alex was Daboo, I still refer to him as this sometimes lol
• She LOVES Marshmallows. She calls them "Smarsh-s-mayo's" hahaha

Most of all, I just love hearing the things that go through her perfect little brain. They keep me laughing all day!

Today For Example:

Jocelyn: Mommy, what are you doing?
Me: I am going to take a bath
Jocelyn: Yeah, a bath, you STINK
Me: hahaha
Jocelyn: Yeah, you big stink
Me: Well thanks Jocelyn....
Jocelyn: You are welcome mommy.

This is a daily occurrance...
Me: Okay Joce, it is bedtime
Jocelyn: UMMMM... How bout no.
LOL

She starts EVERY sentence with the word and. Hahaha

Jocelyn: And I am growing bigger and BIIIIIGGGGER
Alex: Are you going to be as big as a house?
Jocelyn:NO. I am going to be as big as a girl.

Jocelyn (everytime she goes to the bathroom even though she has been potty trained for a year): And I go potty like a BIG GIRL

Jocelyn to Me: And YOU go potty like a BIG GIRL

Jocelyn to basically everything: And I yike you mommy. And I yuv you Gabe. To da moon aaaannnnddd back

Everyday she says "And I am going to see my grandma and my grandpa and the free (three) dogs! It isn't a question.. she is stating a fact in her mind lol.

ABCDEFGHIJKL M AND M AND P

We get in an elevator....
Jocelyn: And that was CA-YOS (close) lol. Makes me laugh everytime.

Such cherished memories these will be one day! Hopefully I cheered up your day. Here are some updated pictures of us from today! Finally getting settled in our new home. I will put up pictures when I am finished decorating!

I am going to have to track Alex down to get a picture from him, haha

To those who loved, and love me

Dear Family and Friends (Both Former and Current),

I thought it important that I write a letter to all those who are or have been close to me, and to hopefully explain and apologize for some of my actions. I went through a period of such severe depression that I was overmedicated-- which sent me into a tailspin. I was overly sensitive, agitated, manic and always moody. I was bitchy, unfriendly and unforgiving. I held grudges, couldn't let go of the past and couldn't understand why. I felt sorry for myself and expected everyone to do the same. I became aggressive and dark as opposed to my happy go lucky self. I am happy to say that I have found treatment and beaten this period and now would like to make amends. Please find your name for your section!

Ashley, JP, Mike, Court:
I am so sorry for the countless times that I have made plans with you and had to last minute cancel. Multiple Sclerosis is an unpredictable disease at best and can rear its ugly head so quickly. I have been questioned on whether my symptoms are real because people cannot understand how you can function normally one day and lose the ability to walk unassisted the next. The migraines that I suffer from often come in the late afternoon and early evening and can leave me unable to leave a dark room in bed. The fatigue that I have nearly daily can make me lose my breath and go weak after walking down one flight of stairs. It is so frustrating because I want more than anything to get out of the house! This place is my home, but mainly my prison, where I spend most of my time. I used to love to go out and having that taken from me has been difficult. Thank you for inviting me countless times to hang out, and I sincerely apologize for my cancellations. Please, please do not stop inviting me. I honestly have very few friends left and if I lose you guys I will be friendless! I try to make it when I feel up to it, just know I never try to make excuses not to see you. Honestly I could throw up at the thought of spending one more evening at home on my couch. Thank you for your kindness and sticking by me!

Josh:
Where do I start? I just want to say that I am sorry for everything. Honestly and truly, everything. You are one of the most amazing, genuine people I have ever met and I miss you dearly. I sometimes Facebook stalk you to see how you are doing, lol. I saw about your dad. I am sorry. And I am sorry I wasn't there. I heard once you referred to our loss of friendship as painful as a divorce. It was for me too and I spent a lot of nights crying. Honestly I still do. No one has ever understood me on the level you did and I would give anything to have that back. I felt like you abandoned me, but I have forgiven that and I just plain miss you. I am happy to see you are in a relationship. Congrats. I still love and care about you very much and have never had a more best friend. I think about you often and it makes my heart hurts. I wish you well though. Lots of hugs.

Tiffany:
 I am so sorry for everything. I am sorry I wasn't at your wedding. I am sorry I made those mistakes when we were trying to plan, but most of all I am sorry I got pregnant when you were engaged.. I know that sounds dumb but I am acutally truly sorry. I got so sick and depressed I just wasn't even functioning. I honestly slept 20 hours a day, was barely there for my daughter and attempted suicide. It was bad. I didn't let you in because I didn't want you to see my pain. I wanted everything to be so special for your big day. I wanted you to have everything in your wedding that I didn't have in mine-- true happiness. I miss you. I miss having someone to shop with. I have no girlfriends. None. I haven't gone to the mall since we last did together. I miss you so much and would give anything to take everything back, to go back in time, to change it. I was a total bitch and highly sensitive. I have been through a lot and I know that doesn't excuse any of my actions, but I just hope you can understand why. I know that you have blocked me... but I hope you read this and reconsider a friendship. I wish you and Braden every happiness in the world. Love ya to death and your family.

Toni:
I am sorry I never sent you a thank you note for the wedding gift... my marriage fell apart so fast I was scrambling to pick up the pieces and never did send out the thank you cards. I know that was a bitchy move on my part.. I would do it now but it is three years later! I have retreated from you a little because I felt like you judged me for dating Alex.I remember when I told you he was 10 years older than me and you said "Eww" and it hurt. He takes care of me in a way that Casey never could. Through everything I have been through, I have aged and I no longer relate to guys our age. I hope that you can understand and get to know him sometime. He really is a great person and my soul mate. Age is just a number for us, and we are very happy. I love you girl and I miss you. I wish you and Mike the best. You deserve it beautiful.

Toyshika:
I know that I didn't know you very well and we clashed on the subject of single motherhood. I just wanted to apologize... I was in a very difficult point in my life and felt alone. It wasn't Alex's fault and you were right... he was there for me much more than I gave him credit. I just wanted to apologize and say that I hope we can get off to a better start next time. We are really excited to come down to Vegas for the wedding. Congratulations

Stacie and Dave:
I am sorry that you had to deal with mine and Alex's fighting and I wanted to thank you for giving him a place to stay. We went through a very difficult time when I became ill. I think Alex lost himself for awhile. We love each other very much, but we had to make sure it was right. I pushed him to move out because I honestly thought he would be happier without me.. with someone who wasn't sick. I am sorry you had to deal with us during this time and I know it may have impacted your opinion of me. I just wanted to apologize and say that I hope things can improve from here. No worries.. Alex won't be coming back to live with you again haha.

Megan Erickson:
 I am sorry for what happened around your birthday. I still never did find out what I said to upset you, but honestly you are right, it doesn't matter. I miss having your friendship and someone to talk to. I heard you got married, so Congrats. Thanks for being there for many when I was at my darkest. You and Mike really were true blue friends to me and I messed that up. Forgive me, if you can.

Mom and Todd:
 I am sorry that you have had to deal with my anger, mood swings and help so much with the kids. I know that around Christmas and New Years things got really dark for me and everything fell apart. I am sorry that I failed you and I hope I never see that side of myself again. It was horrible and I needed help. I needed what I got and I thank you for having the wisdom to know what is best for me.. even though I am an adult. I love you. Mommy, you are my hero. My everything and the person and mother I want to be someday. I need you just as much now as I did when I was little, maybe more. I am so happy that my best friend is my mom. Not many people can say that. I am very lucky.

Sarah:
I am sorry for all the years in high school when I didn't know how to help you..I distanced myself because I didn't know what to do. I am sorry that sometimes I fail you and don't have the right things to say. I want you to know that I am so involved in your treatment and want to be there for you in anyway that you will let me. I see myself in you and I know you are strong. You can fight things, you can win. I want to be there with you when you beat this. Because you WILL. And you will fix your marriage and find happiness in life. Please let me be there.

Emily:
I am sorry that I have gone through periods of aggitation and withdrawal. I avoided calls because I just couldn't talk about what I was going through sometimes. It felt like we were in a one-upping contest on who had it worse and that is just not the way it should be. We are both warriors fighting horrible diseases and should be our biggest supporters. I am happy that things are changing and we are getting closer again. You have inspired me to thoroughly look into nutrition and holistic therapy and you remind me that I am not alone in this fight. I love you and can't wait to see you.

Yon:
Yon, I am sorry for the fights we had during the holidays. I know that we were going through some rough times and we just fought with each other. I was too sensitive and I pushed you away when you tried to help. I know that you were just trying to help and be supportive. I miss the quotes and song suggestions you would send me. They were very helpful. I miss ya buddy, and hope to see you soon!

And finally... My Alex:
Oh Alex, where do I begin? I love you so much. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. My knight in shining armor, my everything. You are my best friend, my biggest fan and also my greatest challenger. You push me to do the best I can, to keep fighting, to constantly look for ways to feel better. You put up with my constant whining and help out much more than you should have to after working a full time job. You listen patiently as I go off on my little tangents and I love you for it. You never cease to tell me how beautiful you think I am, even after almost 4 years together. Almost everyday... and even though I challenge you on it, it means the world to me. I love you so much.
I am sorry that you fell in love with someone who is so sick, physically and mentally. I know that you could have left countless times but you didn't. You stuck it out through my aggression and anger, my depression and mania, through my anxiety and chronic pain. I can't thank you enough for being you. My rock. My soul mate. I can't wait to get married and be Mrs. Latimer forever :)



I love you all so much and this has been waying on me for some time. I hope that you all can find it in your hearts to figure this woman. I am so so sorry.

Sincerely,
Val

Inside My MS Battle and a Silver Lining for All Those Who Fight ANY Illness.

I wanted to take a moment and write about what Multiple Sclerosis actually is and how it has affected me personally. Again, this is just my story and experiences and is not all encompassing. I end by some words that I have learned that I feel are helpful for those who struggle with ANY disease--be it mental or physical. Please read that if you prefer not to read up on MS!

What is MS?
If you haven't known someone who is affected by this disease, you probably don't know much about it. I thought I would provide a simplified version for you guys so that you understand the disease a little better. Again, this is just a simplified version. You can look up much more detailed information online, if you so choose :).

MS is an progressive autoimmune disease. Autoimmune basically means that the body mistakes its own cells for pathogens and attacks them. In MS, the immune system attacks the Myelin around the nerve endings in the brain, spinal cord and optic nerves. Myelin is like a fatty substance that protects the nerves. Because it attacks this, eventually the nerve signal is lost completely and you are left with a loss of function of some sort. (Alot of people start with loss of function in the legs or with decrease of vision or problems with vision.) Progressive means that in most it worsens over time. It usually starts with episodes that come and go... followed by a progression of the disease and loss of function.

It is lifelong. There is absolutely NO cure. There is constant research going, but as of yet, most people try to just cope with symptoms and use steroids to slow the progression.  It is very PERSONAL. One person's experience is different from another's. Just because one person is doing fantastic does not mean that another will also. It also means that while some end up completely disabled, not all do. I read a study recently that about 25% of patients do end up requiring a wheelchair at least part of the time for mobility.

What are the symptoms?

• Loss of balance
• Loss of coordination
• Muscle spasms
• Vision problems--double vison, loss of vision, blurry vision
• Weakness
• Problems moving extremities
• Numbness, tingling, pain in the extremities
• Memory loss
• Dizziness, Vertigo
• Bladder and bowel problems
• Severe Fatigue
• Difficulty Swallowing

Are you going to die?
No. When you think of autoimmune, you might think of something like AIDS, that eventually leads to death. Patients with MS usually have almost normal life expectancies and do not die of MS itself. That being said, there can be associated diseases and problems that can lead to death. But honestly.. if I didn't have MS I would still have a risk of dying from another disease. So don't ask how long I have until I die, lol!

My personal thoughts on MY MS
While my thoughts are not the same as everyone else's, because the disease is different for everyone, at least you might understand my position!

MS IS A LONELY DISEASE. I say this because it truly is so difficult to describe in all honesty, the extent of symptoms. I have said I am tired, to which I have been replied, "Well I am tired too.. Valerie." MS fatigue honestly makes me so tired that somedays I don't have the energy to brush my hair. There have been many occasions that I have held back the urge to urinate because I am not sure I can even muster the strength to walk to the bathroom. I read a quote that is fitting. It said "If you don't know MS, THEN YOU DON'T KNOW MS". Basically, you cannot understand the extent of my complaints unless you have the disease yourself. This can make it lonely because, honestly, you suffer alone and people just really cannot truly relate very easily. Fatigue basically feels like you are walking in a pool, all the time. The weight on your legs can be unbearable at time. I need naps nearly daily. And there are just some things I don't know if I can do anymore-- like trips to lagoon, walking around the zoo, exercising, etc. I have actually had to use the wheelchairs at the grocery store. That was embarrassing. And I loved getting the looks from people like, "ugh, those aren't toys! They are for people who need them!"

MS CAUSES PAIN. Doctors widely disagree and many state that because the nerve ending is damaged, pain signals are not sent. Ask any MS patient. There is pain. A lot. I try not to let it show, but I am in pain abou 95% of the time, to some extent. It can be completely crippling and at other times I manage to maintain a basically normal life.

MS CAUSES MENTAL DISTRESS. I suffer from severe anxiety and depression. This is really hard for me to admit, because I don't like showing true weakness. When you feel that you cannot control your own mind, that is the very definition of personal weakness to me. But it is true. I am on anti-depressants. I have been on everything.. Prozac, Paxil, Wellbutrin, etc. I have finally landed on Lexapro and have found it to be effective for me. How can you not be depressed when you fight the feeling that your body is failing you? I also have extreme anxiety. Crippling, disabling, anxiety. I have the entire range of it-- OCD, Panic, Phobia, Social Anxiety and Generalized. My heartrate doesn't go below 90. Ever. It is exhausting. It is so severe there isn't medication to handle it. I have literally been on VALIUM and it did NOTHING. So I have looked to alternative medicine and continue to fight. For friends that I have cancelled plans on time and time again, I hope this gives you perspective into why. I can become so overwhelmed so quickly that I retreat and become anti-social. I have lost nearly every friend I had because of it. I know it was my fault, but it has been very hurtful and very lonely. I just have a few friends at best and they aren't very close. But sometimes I think that is better for them.. having to deal with me isn't always fun.

MS IS A FAMILY DISEASE. I don't mean this in a sense that it runs in families. I mean that it affects the whole family. If you are a family member of an MSer, than you know just how difficult it is to be around it day in and day out. There is nothing you can do to take away the pain and you are forced to watch someone suffer. We rely on our families so much for help with tasks that it can be very daunting for those close to us. It is hard to have people ask us how we are doing, because honestly most times it isn't great, and that is a heavy burden to feel by those who love us. I know that my disease had greatly impacted my family and caused me to lose all of my friends. It impacts you on so many levels.

***** And Now For The Silver Lining Part*****

Woo... you thought you were never going to make it through all that to get to this, didn't you? :) It is okay, I understand.. lots of information!! So here are things I have picked up along the way that I think are so important for those suffering from ANY affliction!!

It is normal, okay and NECESSARY to grieve!
I have learned that you absolutely cannot hold back the grief that comes from a major illness or affliction. It is hard. It is depressing. You feel that you are alone. It is like a death. A death of the healthy body that you knew before and it should be treated with the same respect as that! Here are some tips I think are helpful:

• Get a Journal: Writing is therapeutic and can help you look back on your progress. I recommend writing in it daily. I make it a personal habit to write about my daily but also including a detailed account of my mental state--anxiety, happiness or depression, crying bouts or times I laughed. I think it is important to remember where you were mentally just as much as your list of what you did that day.
• When you having a particularly bad day, write it out instead of telling those around you. I may get criticism for this but honestly, after being sick for a year, my family knows that I am in pain, that I am tired, that I am depressed. They have become calloused to this and when I tell them that its a bad day, it can come across that they don't care. THIS IS NOT TRUE. It is just that they have reached the point that they do not know what to do to help anymore. That being said, if you experience any NEW symptoms, please tell somebody. But if it is the 6th week of continuous fatigue-- write it in your journal for your own personal reading. This can help lift the burden on those who love you but just don't know how to help. Sometimes you just have to vent and you feel better when you do. Your loved ones love to hear that you feel a little better, and sometimes a good venting session can help you feel a little better.
• Don't listen when people tell you stories that so and so had this disease and they are doing fantastic, you will too. I know that people think that this is helpful, but honestly, it isn't. Disease is highly personal and subjective. If you aren't feeling like your disease is making you a better person, that is okay! lol. (I always get a little irritated when I read about people saying that their MS was such a blessing and made them so strong!! The real blessing, in my opinion, would be to have a healthy and normal functioning body lol). So I understand where you are coming from!

Take Treatment into Your Own Hands

• I don't mean no longer listen to your doctors! I just mean that this is your life, your body, your disease. Take ownership. There are things that you can do to compliment your medicinal treatments!
• Don't let ANYONE tell you that a certain symptom "doesn't fit". Again, disease is highly personal. If you are in pain, you are in pain. If you don't have a doctor that believes you, find a new one! If you have OCD, like I do, then you do. A psychiatrist tried to tell me it was a schizophrenic tendency. Um, no. It is OCD. You know your body.
• COUNSELING COUNSELING COUNSELING As someone who has been weekly for months, I recommend this for ANYONE WHO IS SICK. I don't mean a psychiatrist. I mean like a social worker. Someone who simply LISTENS. This goes back to above. You need to vent. Your family cannot always say the right thing or take on the burden. Counselors are paid to just simply listen and honestly, even healthy people need that sometimes!
• Never underestimate the power of vitamins and supplements. Do your research, find out for yourself what can be beneficial. There are studies EVERYWHERE. Almost all disease stems from a basic lack of a vitamin or mineral. You may be able to help or prevent future problems by just investing in some great vitamins. **Note: Do NOT start taking any vitamins that are outside the daily recommended amounts unless you tell your doctor! This is especially true for fat soluble vitamins like A D E and K and Iron! Water soluble vitamins like B and C are replenished daily so you can have higher amounts of these! If you aren't sure, please ask!**
• NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF NUTRITION:
• The United States places more emphasis on pharmacy drugs than any other developed nation and also had much higher rates of disease! Many countries who have low disease rates place a much higher emphasis on what you eat, not what you TAKE.
• Read up on what you are eating!!  I cannot stress this enough! Some things in food and drinks are just absolutely gross, but because of lobbying are legal. For example: Aspartame. This is used is basically EVERY diet drink and especially Diet Coke. It is horrible for you! It is deemed carcinogenic by the World Health Organization (meaning it is cancer causing) and can lead to nuerological problems, mental problems and many many cancers. The FDA has tried to have it banned, but has been stopped. It is banned in many european countries. Just because it is in food does not mean it is safe. Please Please do your research. Your body will thank you.
• And Finally... Just some General Tips!!:
• Keep Anxiety to a minimum: An awesome quote, "95% of what we worry about never happens and the 5% that does, we rarely can control anyway!". I know this is easier said then done. But I try to remind myself of it on hard days.
• Less is not MORE. I try to remember this with my depression and fatigue. Even those of us who suffer from fatigue need to remember that more sleep does not mean we have more energy. We should follow normal 8 hour patterns and take naps as needed. Vitamins and minerals also! Remember that taking the RIGHT vitamin is much more important and helpful that just overloading your system with tons of them. Do your research into what is key for your illness.
• The Grass is not Always Greener.... : One of my favorite quotes of all time is, "The grass is greener on the other side because it is fed with a bunch of shit!" No one's life is necessarily better than anyone else's.. those that say their life is so amazing and perfect are doing just that... feeding shit! Lies! They just have a different perspective!
• The Power of Positive Thinking. Do not ever underestimate the power of positive thinking and especially words! Read quotes, song lyrics, anything that you can relate to with a positive message! It can't make you have a completely positive thought process, but reminding yourself there is good in life is incredibly important when dealing with lifelong afflictions.

Okay, that is my whole soapbox speech for the day. I hope some of my words can be comforting to someone, that is really all that I can hope for!!

The day this healthy girl became sick...

Okay, so I have been asked a few times by friends and family about how I was diagnosed and how I handled it. I thought I would finally tell the whole story, however embarrassing, so that those close to me might understand a little better. Again, please remember that despite hardships in life, I do feel that I am making the most of my life and am pleased with my progress thus far.

It was February 2011. I woke up one day and felt extremely tired. We have all had that feeling... when your muscles just ache and you just lie in bed. I was mad because it was Valentines Day and I was coming down with the flu.. not exactly what I wanted. I am a stay at home mom with two small children, so being sick on the couch is not really an option for me so I tried my best to function through it. I had a horrible headache and muscle aches. I remember thinking... Yuck this virus is AWFUL. After about three days of not feeling any better . On the third evening of just laying on the couch, I sat up because I needed to go to the bathroom. I went to stand up and it was like my legs were jello. I couldn't feel them and I fell. Alex ran over and helped me get up and I got to the bathroom. For a moment my legs regained feeling and I thought I must have pinched some sort of nerve. Later that evening, I sat up to go downstairs and again, lost all feeling in my legs. For the next 4 days, everywhere I went, I had to have assistance. Whenever I did walk, it was like I was a complete drunk. Walking a straight line was impossible.. I would stray to the side and fall. I ran into everything. I was so frustrated because I didn't know why things were not WORKING! I would try to pick things up and instantly my hand would just let go and drop it. It was so scary knowing I had absolutely NO control over what my muscles and extremities were doing.

Then I started to get PAIN. Excrutiating joint pain, muscle pain, and a constant migraine. Finally, I had had enough. I was in pain, couldn't walk, and had no muscle control. I decided to take a bath and go to the Emergency Room. (Take a bath? Yes... I have a severe cleanliness OCD... another discussion, lol. I took a bath when I was passing kidney stones before I went to the ER. It is that bad, haha). Anyways, when I stood up in the tub, I lost control of my legs again and fell. Hard. I slammed my head on the toilet. It was at this point I started to cry...

We arrived in the ER. They were busy. The doctor made sure to tell me that. A**hole. He took my blood and symptoms and proceeded to tell me that I was absolutely fine and it was just a virus. He said that there is NO pain in Multiple Sclerosis and therefore it couldn't possibly be that. (By the way, there is ABSOLUTELY pain in MS. If you ask ANY MS patient, they suffer from pain. The theory is that because nerve endings die, there should be no pain. Whatever. Its a bunch of BS if you ask me, haha.) He said that I should see a Rhumetologist because it could be arthritis. He then told me to stand up for the nuerological exam to make sure I was okay to go home. He asked me to walk in a straight line, which I could not do and ran into the tray and cabinets and whacked my head. Even though I failed miserably, he said I was fine to leave and he wouldn't give me anything for pain because I was obviously just seeking pain meds with NO reason. (I am a little angry still, if you can't tell lol). But we bugged him anyway so he did send in a referral for an Nuerologist as well.

On Monday I called the Nuerologist. I made an appointment with a new doctor in town, but she only practiced out of a MS clinic. I decided to see her anyway. I was sure I had some sort of tumor. Not MS. After all.. the ER doctor did say there was absolutely no way it was MS.

On the first appointment, she did the examination and we talked about my attack. She checked my reflexes. One my left side, I had NO reflexes. None whatsoever. On my right, she barely touched my knee and I could have kicked a field goal! So strange. She said we better send for an MRI to be sure. I was just happy someone finally believed me. But, being as healthy as I have been my whole life, I honestly assumed everything would come back fine. But it didn't... I went back in and we took a look at my brain MRI. There was a HUGE white spot on my MRI, a lesion as she called it. This was a really big indicator for MS. I was devastated. In order to diagnose MS for sure you have to have a Lumbar Puncture, or Spinal Tap, so we went ahead with that. (That was horrible.. don't recommend it lol.) That came back clean. No MS. I was thrilled. But my doctor quickly dimished that by saying that it doesn't show up in Lumbar Punctures until later in the disease sometimes and a clean LP doesn't mean you don't have it. She wanted to go ahead with steroid treatments. I trusted her.. and have started steroids.

Steroids are AWFUL, to say the least! I do a self injection (yes, a big needle) into muscle once a week. For the next 24 hours, I am sooo sick. Flu symptoms, headache, the inability to get warm, chills and muscle pain. I do this once a week, every week. They said the symptoms should get better, but I have been doing this for a year and have yet to have an improvement. I guess I am just one of the lucky ones. So I can safely say that I have only 6 out of 7 days in a week that are normal for me.
Steroids help slow the progression of the disease but they don't cure it. So sometimes it is frustrating to inject it because I know I am going to suffer and that it is just possibly slowing things, but not curing anything.

So far my MS has been okay. I have family members who have it much harder than I, so I try to appreciate what I have, while I have it and try to maintain a positive attitude. I haven't had any new lesions (cross my fingers, I will find out in December if any more have popped up this year) and I haven't had an attack as severe as the first one yet. But, I am just one year into a lifelong disease. So I am praying for a cure!

I think that the reality of my disease has finally hit. I was in shock for a long time, followed by sheer depression. I couldn't understand why I was afflicted with this disease. (If you know anything about my life and what I have been through, then you know that I honestly felt God had dealt me enough pain for one person). Then I followed with anger. I still fight anger. I don't always understand why I can't function normally as a mother as I would like to. It angers me that I can't do all the things a young, 23 year old woman can do anymore. But, for the most part and most days, I have found peace. I have found acceptance and I am just doing the best I can to make the most of my situation and my life. Because MS is a life long disease... there are no "survivors". But I considering myself SURVIVING AND THRIVING.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race!

So, I am probably the last person on earth that hasn't started a personal blog. Maybe it is because I never thought people would be all that interested in my life! However, for those that are close to me, yet far in distance... I figure this is a good way to keep in contact. Unfortunately those we love are spread across the country and we don't have the luxury of keeping in touch like we used to. The beauty of technology, right?

Let's start with the basics, shall we? :)

I just turned 23 in May. I cannot believe it has been 5 years since I graduated. Seems like just yesterday I was roaming the halls of high school! So much has changed since then it is crazy. I love looking at people's Facebook pages to see where they have gone in life. It fascinates me :)

I am half way through college, depending on the day of the week, my major changes, haha. I just cannot make up my mind but I am confident I will find a place I fit. I am working through school slowly. Being sick has taken its toll on my school work. However, graduating college has always been a huge goal for me. I will achieve it someday!

Jocelyn is 4 already! I cannot believe it. She tells me everyday that she is growing bigger. Even though she is tiny, maybe 25 lbs, she is getting smarter and amazes me everyday. She is a miracle child. Maybe sometime I will post her story for you to read. She loves animals. She nearly smothers our kitten, Lumiere, everyday. I swear she is going to love him to death one day.

Gabriel is turning 2 in September. He is my little angel. He is such a daddy's boy though! Everyday when Alex walks in, he runs to him and stays permanently attached to him at the hip! He is so cute. I may be a bit partial though, lol. He loves Dora and has absolutely no fear. He is so outgoing and happy. He makes my life complete.

Then I am brought to the love of my life, Mr. Alex Latimer. He is my rock, my best friend, my everything. He has been there with me through literally everything--every emotion, fear, blessing, curse and moment for the last 3 1/2 years. I honestly don't know what I would do without him. I love you babe!

Well how about an update on our little life....!

• Alex has been working for a company called Symbiot Business Group, working in HR. It has been great to have him working in a field that he is confident in. I know after he was let go from the zoo he kind of lost himself and it is good to see him back on top. Although, I have to admit, I was getting a little spoiled having him around to help me with the kids all the time.

• He just got word he may be getting a promotion! This is such a great opportunity for him and our family as he expands into a management position in this company. I am SO proud of him!

• We have moved into our first official apartment as a family and we are loving it! Having our own space has been something we have longed for since I was pregnant with Gabriel, and now we finally have it. I have completely immersed myself in DIY ideas to decorate. I just have to wait for money to actually do them, haha.

• Wedding plans have begun for our wedding! We are tenatively hoping for June 8, 2013. Of course, details will come when we make final decisions. I don't even have a ring yet! But anyone who knows me will know that I am going to obsess over plans anyways! Alex knows he is stuck with me, I think he has resolved that he is going to have to marry me ;)

• I am starting to see babies EVERYWHERE. That must mean that my little Gabriel is getting to be a big kid and my mommy sense is tingling, haha. No worries, we have NO plans of getting pregnant again right now, but it is definitely something we want in the future!

And alas.. I should discuss the elephant in the room. MS.

• I have discovered that MS patients refer to themselves as MSers. Interesting. I guess I am officially an MSer now. Like its a club. A sucky club with very expensive and taxing membership dues.
• GREAT NEWS, I have not had an MS episode in about 6 months! It has been fabulous. Of course I do deal with some symptoms on a daily basis--migraines, fatigue and weakness-- but I have felt better this last 6 months than I did in the whole year prior to this, so I couldn't be happier!
• Following "The MS Recovery Diet" stinks. I absolutely hate it. It is a diet that is completely gluten free, dairy free, egg free and legume free. Yeah, what am I supposed to survive on, you ask? Fruits, vegetables and pure proteins. Thats it. No bread, no pasta, no preservatives, no beans, no cheese, no peanuts or peanut butter, wheat, milk, ICE CREAM. LAME. But, when I follow it strictly, I have never felt better since I was diagnosed, and for that.. it is worth it. But I do have my moments when I have to vent because I miss my beloved pizza! But, the weight loss is nice, haha.. its kinda hard to get 1800 calories a day in when you can only eat veggies and fruit.
• Since starting my diet I have gone from 9 pills 2x daily to just 3 pills 1x daily! That is right.. from 18 pills to 3. It is amazing. Well now I also supplement vitamin D and B12 as well. (I HIGHLY recommend this for ANYONE suffering from fatigue!) Whoever says diet doesn't have anything with MS needs to come and visit me so I can prove it.
• I will be having another MRI done on my brain by the end of the year so everyone cross your fingers that my steroid injections are working and there are no more lesions on my brain. Come on baby.. no whammies.. no whammies.. :) I will keep you guys updated.

Can I just say that I love my family and friends more than anything in the world and without you, I would have surely died already. Life has been tough for me, and if I didn't have such wonderful people surrounding me, I think I might have given up along the way at some point. I love you all. Thank you for everything. We appreciate you more than anything!

-Valerie