The day this healthy girl became sick...

Okay, so I have been asked a few times by friends and family about how I was diagnosed and how I handled it. I thought I would finally tell the whole story, however embarrassing, so that those close to me might understand a little better. Again, please remember that despite hardships in life, I do feel that I am making the most of my life and am pleased with my progress thus far.

It was February 2011. I woke up one day and felt extremely tired. We have all had that feeling... when your muscles just ache and you just lie in bed. I was mad because it was Valentines Day and I was coming down with the flu.. not exactly what I wanted. I am a stay at home mom with two small children, so being sick on the couch is not really an option for me so I tried my best to function through it. I had a horrible headache and muscle aches. I remember thinking... Yuck this virus is AWFUL. After about three days of not feeling any better . On the third evening of just laying on the couch, I sat up because I needed to go to the bathroom. I went to stand up and it was like my legs were jello. I couldn't feel them and I fell. Alex ran over and helped me get up and I got to the bathroom. For a moment my legs regained feeling and I thought I must have pinched some sort of nerve. Later that evening, I sat up to go downstairs and again, lost all feeling in my legs. For the next 4 days, everywhere I went, I had to have assistance. Whenever I did walk, it was like I was a complete drunk. Walking a straight line was impossible.. I would stray to the side and fall. I ran into everything. I was so frustrated because I didn't know why things were not WORKING! I would try to pick things up and instantly my hand would just let go and drop it. It was so scary knowing I had absolutely NO control over what my muscles and extremities were doing.

Then I started to get PAIN. Excrutiating joint pain, muscle pain, and a constant migraine. Finally, I had had enough. I was in pain, couldn't walk, and had no muscle control. I decided to take a bath and go to the Emergency Room. (Take a bath? Yes... I have a severe cleanliness OCD... another discussion, lol. I took a bath when I was passing kidney stones before I went to the ER. It is that bad, haha). Anyways, when I stood up in the tub, I lost control of my legs again and fell. Hard. I slammed my head on the toilet. It was at this point I started to cry...

We arrived in the ER. They were busy. The doctor made sure to tell me that. A**hole. He took my blood and symptoms and proceeded to tell me that I was absolutely fine and it was just a virus. He said that there is NO pain in Multiple Sclerosis and therefore it couldn't possibly be that. (By the way, there is ABSOLUTELY pain in MS. If you ask ANY MS patient, they suffer from pain. The theory is that because nerve endings die, there should be no pain. Whatever. Its a bunch of BS if you ask me, haha.) He said that I should see a Rhumetologist because it could be arthritis. He then told me to stand up for the nuerological exam to make sure I was okay to go home. He asked me to walk in a straight line, which I could not do and ran into the tray and cabinets and whacked my head. Even though I failed miserably, he said I was fine to leave and he wouldn't give me anything for pain because I was obviously just seeking pain meds with NO reason. (I am a little angry still, if you can't tell lol). But we bugged him anyway so he did send in a referral for an Nuerologist as well.

On Monday I called the Nuerologist. I made an appointment with a new doctor in town, but she only practiced out of a MS clinic. I decided to see her anyway. I was sure I had some sort of tumor. Not MS. After all.. the ER doctor did say there was absolutely no way it was MS.

On the first appointment, she did the examination and we talked about my attack. She checked my reflexes. One my left side, I had NO reflexes. None whatsoever. On my right, she barely touched my knee and I could have kicked a field goal! So strange. She said we better send for an MRI to be sure. I was just happy someone finally believed me. But, being as healthy as I have been my whole life, I honestly assumed everything would come back fine. But it didn't... I went back in and we took a look at my brain MRI. There was a HUGE white spot on my MRI, a lesion as she called it. This was a really big indicator for MS. I was devastated. In order to diagnose MS for sure you have to have a Lumbar Puncture, or Spinal Tap, so we went ahead with that. (That was horrible.. don't recommend it lol.) That came back clean. No MS. I was thrilled. But my doctor quickly dimished that by saying that it doesn't show up in Lumbar Punctures until later in the disease sometimes and a clean LP doesn't mean you don't have it. She wanted to go ahead with steroid treatments. I trusted her.. and have started steroids.

Steroids are AWFUL, to say the least! I do a self injection (yes, a big needle) into muscle once a week. For the next 24 hours, I am sooo sick. Flu symptoms, headache, the inability to get warm, chills and muscle pain. I do this once a week, every week. They said the symptoms should get better, but I have been doing this for a year and have yet to have an improvement. I guess I am just one of the lucky ones. So I can safely say that I have only 6 out of 7 days in a week that are normal for me.
Steroids help slow the progression of the disease but they don't cure it. So sometimes it is frustrating to inject it because I know I am going to suffer and that it is just possibly slowing things, but not curing anything.

So far my MS has been okay. I have family members who have it much harder than I, so I try to appreciate what I have, while I have it and try to maintain a positive attitude. I haven't had any new lesions (cross my fingers, I will find out in December if any more have popped up this year) and I haven't had an attack as severe as the first one yet. But, I am just one year into a lifelong disease. So I am praying for a cure!

I think that the reality of my disease has finally hit. I was in shock for a long time, followed by sheer depression. I couldn't understand why I was afflicted with this disease. (If you know anything about my life and what I have been through, then you know that I honestly felt God had dealt me enough pain for one person). Then I followed with anger. I still fight anger. I don't always understand why I can't function normally as a mother as I would like to. It angers me that I can't do all the things a young, 23 year old woman can do anymore. But, for the most part and most days, I have found peace. I have found acceptance and I am just doing the best I can to make the most of my situation and my life. Because MS is a life long disease... there are no "survivors". But I considering myself SURVIVING AND THRIVING.